Jackasses in the Toilet

Ever gone to the toilet to find a hot steamy turd on the toilet seat? If you have ever been to a public access toilet then I'm sure you have. Who in their right fucking mind would leave such a vile repulsive disgusting present for the next person who uses the toilet? Did Santa come early this year?

These kinds of people are pretty inconsiderate, considering that they are given the privillage of enjoying a clean sanitised toilet. Pretty selfish, in my opinion, that they would readily ruin the experience for everyone else. Not only does this disgusting act impact on users of said toilet, it also affects non-toilet users because they have to breath contaminated air that, quite honestly, contains bacteria and germs that can cause deadly diseases and will probably result in death. The ultimate benefactors (I use the term loosely) would be the janitors that clean these toilets everyday. I can imagine the disgust janitors develop when they have to spend an extra half hour cleaning after your mess. No wonder they are so anti-social and mean looking. They probably spend most of their day frowning while cleaning off poo. In order to repent for your sins, you will be killed and brought back to life as a janitor!

Another disgusting act, while not as vile as the afore mentioned, is not flushing the damn toilet. Everyone has encountered a toilet that isn't flushed. An unflushed toilet that consists of only water and urine, I can live with. But an unflushed toilet that is jammed with a combination of excessive toilet paper and the excrements of the previous jackass who used the toilet is unforgiveable. How hard is it to pull the fucking flush lever!? Even the damned cat in 'Meet the Parents' and 'Meet the Fockers' has the decency to flush. If you can pull down your pants to take a dump, I'm sure you can flush the toilet. In order to repent for your sins, you will drown in a toilet bowl filled to the brim with piss, shit and bloody tampons!

No matter how much we bitch and moan about dirty, mess, stinky toilets, when you gotta go, you gotta go. So here are some how to's on safe shitting:

1. The Hover
Pull down your pants, and let your butt cheeks hover 3-4 inches above the toilet seat. If you feel the pubes tickling your butthole, rise up another inch. Poop as you normally would, but use your arms to prop yourself up against the sides of the stall.

2. The Pinch and Pull
Apply a thick layer of toilet paper to said toilet seat, preferably 3-4 sheets thick. Drop your pants and slowly lower your ass down, being careful not to knock the ass guard of toilet paper off ... I am sure you all have, occasionally had toilet water splash up in and around [your] asshole while [you] let a log hit the water—a most uncomfortable sensation, unless you're into that sort of thing. Well, I have a technique I find to be most effective that will no doubt save you from this unfavorable situation. Shitting has to be seen as an activity in moderation. When you let a turd slip, cut it off short, around a length of maybe 3-4 inches. This will provide for less splashing. But the key part of this technique is not in the release, but in the actions that follow. Just as the turd leaves your asshole, pull your ass up in the air. The aftermath of water that splashes up from the turd’s impact has no chance of hitting your ass. Repeat this process until you’re finished, readjusting toilet paper as needed.

3. The Scoop and Score
This technique should ONLY be used in dire situations. [W]hen you arrive, the bathroom looks like Satan’s den. Every toilet is over-flowing and completely covered in what looks like shit, but you’re not sure because it’s just that fucking bad. There are no doors on the stalls, and the faucets are leaking brown water. There is only one way to handle a situation like this: Stand in the doorway of one of the stalls, pull down your pants and bend over. Grab a roll of toilet paper and wrap your hand in it thoroughly. Close you eyes, reach around your ass, and let that shit roll. As it comes out, heave it into the toilet. 2 points!

-- Michael Curtiss, Points In Case